*One day, someone will walk into your life, and you'll see why it never worked out with anyone else.
*One day, love is gonna find you when you least expect it.
*One day, someone will see all that beautiful and realize how amazing you are.
*One day, someone is gonna love you the way you've always deserved.
*One day, you'll get all the happiness you've ever wished for.
*One day, someone is gonna see past all your flaws right into your heart.
*One day, all this suffering will have been worth it.
*One day, you're gonna wish for your single days again.
*One day, the man that we truly meant for you will fall out of the sky and into your path.
*One day, we'll be zipping up your wedding dress.
Friday, October 16, 2015
*One day, someone will walk into your life, and you'll see why it never worked out with anyone else.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
I can't help wonder why I don't belong, even though I have all the right parts to fit and complete the puzzle. I can't help but wonder why the hell I try so hard and receive nothing.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
I considered starting up something new just for this purpose, but, when everything is said and done, I would like to be able to look back and see my whole journey from start to finish, and the beginnings that led me to where I am now, and to where I'm going.
First stop on the journey: My days of being fat are numbered.
I've made a few steps forward on this and a hundred steps back, but now the wheels are in motion, and there's no going back. Eighteen months from now, I will be a completely different person, not only physically, but in every other metaphysical form there is.
After TONS of research, idea kicking-around, advice, and soul searching, I have opted to go for weight loss surgery. I'm realizing that after much failure, I can't do this on my own, and I'm out of time to lose what I need to in order to be healthy. Lucky for me now, I am still relatively healthy despite my current size, but I'd rather not tempt fate any longer, because I know that luck is temporary.
I am beyond excited, so much in fact that I've already started compiling a list of my NSVs (Non-Scale Victories). It started small; things like being able to cross my legs again, and being able to buckle my seatbelt on a plane without the use of an extender, wearing straight sizes again. From there it grew into this monster list that I continue to add on to every day. I saw all the things I've either been missing out on or have lost the ability to do because of my size- It was humbling and embarrassing. I realize that, along with my body, my whole life has to change. I've been priming myself a little at a time for the last few months for this, so then when crunch time comes, the transition won't be so jarring. In the interim before surgery, I will be using the Weight Watchers program, which I'm actually pretty excited about. The support system is exactly what I need; it will make me more accountable when I know I have people rooting for me to succeed, and at this point, I have no choice- it's succeed or lose my life.
By now you're probably wondering what the process is and how much I want/have to lose. Well..
Before I'm even near an operating table, I have to lose 35 lbs in 6 months with the help of WW. Sort of a show of good faith that (1) I've made an attempt to lose weight without surgery, and (2) That I'm capable of committing to a healthy lifestyle. I totally get it.
After that, I have 6 more months to continue to lose weight, have to go through a litany of tests to make sure the old bod is up for such a thing, oh, and have to see a SHRINK to make sure I'm not secretly crazy or anorexic or gonna throw myself in front of a train before, after or during surgery, so there's that. Once ALL of that is out of the way and I pass, the Bariatric Surgeon and his team will clear me for surgery, and the rest will be history.
At the end of the day, my goal is to lose 175lbs total.
Think about that.
175 pounds is a WHOLE PERSON. And not even a small person. I literally need to take off a whole human being in order to be healthy and back where I want to be weight wise.
I don't plan to go for the gold and get super skinny- My body isn't made that way, and I honestly enjoy having a little extra cushion, I just don't want to be the whole couch.
It is a BRAND NEW DAY, ladies and gentlemen.Which brings me to step two:
Getting right on the inside.
During this journey to get my body and health right, I'll also be working on my soul. I've discovered Transcendental Meditation. I think it's something I've always been drawn to, and just never knew how to put it into action, or that it was actually something I could practice. I've always had an odd draw to the ocean. Being at or near the beach fills me with a calm I never have otherwise. When I'm away from it and I meditate, I imagine that's where I am; the waves rolling in, grabbing my worries, and washing them out to sea. It sounds really fucking hokey and new age-y, I know, but dammit of it doesn't help. I've started reading about TM, and it just sort of clicks with me. You actually have to take classes for it to learn how to do it the right way, so that's my plan. Your outside can't be good and healthy until you're good from within.
I have spent so many years not living my life, and only existing in it, and I'm so done with that. I want to be in control of myself again- I want to travel and take hikes and be able to do a cartwheel, and put on my socks without getting winded. You only get one life, and I'd like to have mine for as long as I can, and on my last days, be able to say that I did something with it. I've spent too many years being a prisoner to myself.
It's time I finally broke free.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
OK, so let's start a list.
-Got over my ex: ✔
-Taken time to "find myself“ after said breakup (whatever that means): ✔
-Attended a restaurant/movie/concert/wedding alone ✔
-Taken a trip solo: ✔x3
.. Oh, and lest we forget the biggest & baddest...
-Learned how to love myself and be comfortable with being single: ✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔
.. Though it should be noted that such a task would be tough to complete when one has been single as long as I have.
I checked all the boxes, did all the stuff single people are supposed to do during their single days. I've had adventures and sowed my oats (or something), I've been the kick ass single chick for way longer than I signed up for, but I'm bored!! I'm done being single, it's not fun anymore. It's not fun attending social events and not having someone to rehash the highlights with over ice cream in your pajamas when it's over. It's not fun being out and about on a nice night in a cool place amongst all the other couples, and instead of hanging out, taking in the scenery, you dash to your car and leave instead of staying and looking like some lonely loser. Adventures are less fun when you don't have someone to share them with. I miss having someone to share moments with. I miss the 'sharing a look and not having to say a word cuz we just get each other' stuff. I miss being chosen. I miss connecting. I miss waking up next to someone, knowing that 99.9% of the reasons they'll smile that day is because of me. I miss the comfort of always having a date at social obligations, and not having to scramble for one. Mostly I miss the comfort and peace that only my chosen human can bring.
I miss it...more than I can articulate.
Friday, May 1, 2015
In case I haven't mentioned before, Poppa is my BGF (Best Guy Friend). We're closer than close, more than friends, less than romantic, more than family. We talk multiple times a day, have our own weird language, he's my other half and my sanctuary. He told me recently that the reason he could never date me is because he puts me on a pedestal- he says he sizes up all potential mates to me, and loves me too much to ruin what we have with a relationship...kinda lame, but I guess I understand. I feel the same about him, and feel blessed that I have him in the capacity that I do. We've seen each other through everything- births, deaths, breakups, divorces, illness. We clicked instantly the day we met 12 years ago, and have never looked back.
It's now been seven days since he's spoken to me in any sort of friendly fashion.
Seven days ago, things were fine, normal.Then, suddenly, no warning, they..weren't. He's completely cut me off. The only communication we've had in the last week was a fight, 4 days ago, over (you guessed it) the fact that he's gone rogue and distant for no apparent reason. He's NEVER done this. EVER. Even when things were fucked up in his life, or he was having health problems, he ALWAYS came to me, usually first. We don't do this. This is so completely out of character for him that I contacted his ex wife, the only other one he speaks to, to see if she knows something I don't.
I'm flabbergasted, and so fucking devastated by this I could crumble to bits. Nothing happened, other than me canceling his birthday lunch because I had to work, which obviously shouldn't be relationship-ending. If you've read my posts in any capacity, you know that I'm no stranger to nasty breakups, but this...this is like a stick of dynamite to my heart, and I honestly don't know how I'm gonna make it through this. How does someone who was everything to you one day end up as a stranger the next? I've texted, called, emailed hoping for answers, and he just fucking ignores me. I'm just..sigh. I can't.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
It sucks to still be pathetically single. It sucks worse to be bombarded by friends getting engaged all around you. In one day, five couples I know have gotten engaged. FIVE. In one day. Including my ex, for the second time. Meanwhile, a dude I dont even like decided he doesn't even want me. I am making a valiant effort to be happy for them. Some of them I actually don't have to fake. Still doesn't make it suck any less that it's them and not me. Doesn't make it suck less that I don't even have anyone on the radar to hope for.
I dont want to be this person. The bitter, lonely hag that begrudges everyone else's happiness, but my chances of that are slimming every single day.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
I tried shaking it off last night, had Flaco in my bed, just for the company.. That man is so special to me. But even with him next to me, and all the comforts that come with him, I wished he was someone else in particular. I didn't deserve Flaco and all his amazing.
Is it possible to fall for someone that fast? Why would it hurt so bad if there wasn't real feelings involved? It's actually palpable, like it was a real break up. I got a taste of everything I wanted, and then it was snatched from me when I blinked. Keeping me blissfully ignorant would have been better than giving me a something I wanted but couldn't keep for myself...
Monday, December 15, 2014
We had two amazing dates, the second better than the first. Lots of smiling, kissing, laughing..he held my hand while we drove. He met the family- hugged my mom, sat and had an actual conversation with my kids for over an hour. Told me he couldn't wait to see me again as he was kissing me goodbye. We were on track, heading towards something awesome. I was like a shaken bottle of champagne.
Then it just...stopped.
Our conversations over the weekend were slim to none. He barely said 5 sentences to me, and that was only after I reached out to him. I tried calling him last night, and of course, he didn't answer, nor did he make any moves to return my call or text me to say he was busy. He texted me this morning with a simple 'How are you'. When I mentioned my call the night before, I tried to open things up, letting him know I was just hoping to hear his voice. Ordinarily when someone says that to you, it's a really sweet fucking gesture that hints that you're missed, and you should reply accordingly. Instead I got one word- 'Soon.'. What the fuck? How does someone respond to that?
Twenty minutes later, I couldn't take anymore, so I tapped out an 'are we cool?' message just to see where we stood. I wanted to make sure I hadn't possibly done something to offend him, or at the very least, give him the floor if he needed an out. At press time, it's now been about 5 hours since it was sent, and my message is still just hanging there. Guess I got my answer.
I um...I'm pretty well crushed, if I'm being honest. This isn't a 'cry about being single again' thing either. I had real feelings for this one, and it scares me a little how much it hurts. He pulled at something in me that I forgot was there, that I forgot how to use, and I allowed myself to just feel everything for a change...it was nice. I felt like I could breathe again. Now, old wounds have been torn open, ones that I closed up a long time ago, and I'm feeling pretty fucking rough.
There is no way that I can ever do this again. My heart can't take anymore. I fell, he didn't catch me- story of my life. Evidently I'm not worth catching..time to hang it up while I still have a tiny shred of dignity.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Friday, August 8, 2014
Everyday I have to pretend I'm not dying inside. That's almost as hard as that dying part.
I don't begrudge my friends or family's happiness, I just want a little piece of my own. My second cousin is celebrating 43(!) years of marriage, that's amazing to me. But it also serves to remind me that I'll never have that.. A lifetime with someone I love. I feel like my life has been wasted waiting for that person, wondering if they'll ever come at all.