I considered starting up something new just for this purpose, but, when everything is said and done, I would like to be able to look back and see my whole journey from start to finish, and the beginnings that led me to where I am now, and to where I'm going.
First stop on the journey: My days of being fat are numbered.
I've made a few steps forward on this and a hundred steps back, but now the wheels are in motion, and there's no going back. Eighteen months from now, I will be a completely different person, not only physically, but in every other metaphysical form there is.
After TONS of research, idea kicking-around, advice, and soul searching, I have opted to go for weight loss surgery. I'm realizing that after much failure, I can't do this on my own, and I'm out of time to lose what I need to in order to be healthy. Lucky for me now, I am still relatively healthy despite my current size, but I'd rather not tempt fate any longer, because I know that luck is temporary.
I am beyond excited, so much in fact that I've already started compiling a list of my NSVs (Non-Scale Victories). It started small; things like being able to cross my legs again, and being able to buckle my seatbelt on a plane without the use of an extender, wearing straight sizes again. From there it grew into this monster list that I continue to add on to every day. I saw all the things I've either been missing out on or have lost the ability to do because of my size- It was humbling and embarrassing. I realize that, along with my body, my whole life has to change. I've been priming myself a little at a time for the last few months for this, so then when crunch time comes, the transition won't be so jarring. In the interim before surgery, I will be using the Weight Watchers program, which I'm actually pretty excited about. The support system is exactly what I need; it will make me more accountable when I know I have people rooting for me to succeed, and at this point, I have no choice- it's succeed or lose my life.
By now you're probably wondering what the process is and how much I want/have to lose. Well..
Before I'm even near an operating table, I have to lose 35 lbs in 6 months with the help of WW. Sort of a show of good faith that (1) I've made an attempt to lose weight without surgery, and (2) That I'm capable of committing to a healthy lifestyle. I totally get it.
After that, I have 6 more months to continue to lose weight, have to go through a litany of tests to make sure the old bod is up for such a thing, oh, and have to see a SHRINK to make sure I'm not secretly crazy or anorexic or gonna throw myself in front of a train before, after or during surgery, so there's that. Once ALL of that is out of the way and I pass, the Bariatric Surgeon and his team will clear me for surgery, and the rest will be history.
At the end of the day, my goal is to lose 175lbs total.
Think about that.
175 pounds is a WHOLE PERSON. And not even a small person. I literally need to take off a whole human being in order to be healthy and back where I want to be weight wise.
I don't plan to go for the gold and get super skinny- My body isn't made that way, and I honestly enjoy having a little extra cushion, I just don't want to be the whole couch.
It is a BRAND NEW DAY, ladies and gentlemen.Which brings me to step two:
Getting right on the inside.
During this journey to get my body and health right, I'll also be working on my soul. I've discovered Transcendental Meditation. I think it's something I've always been drawn to, and just never knew how to put it into action, or that it was actually something I could practice. I've always had an odd draw to the ocean. Being at or near the beach fills me with a calm I never have otherwise. When I'm away from it and I meditate, I imagine that's where I am; the waves rolling in, grabbing my worries, and washing them out to sea. It sounds really fucking hokey and new age-y, I know, but dammit of it doesn't help. I've started reading about TM, and it just sort of clicks with me. You actually have to take classes for it to learn how to do it the right way, so that's my plan. Your outside can't be good and healthy until you're good from within.
I have spent so many years not living my life, and only existing in it, and I'm so done with that. I want to be in control of myself again- I want to travel and take hikes and be able to do a cartwheel, and put on my socks without getting winded. You only get one life, and I'd like to have mine for as long as I can, and on my last days, be able to say that I did something with it. I've spent too many years being a prisoner to myself.
It's time I finally broke free.