Truth Is...

I should warn you before I continue that it's 1:30 AM on a Tuesday morning, and I'm slightly delirious, so if you are cool with half-conscious self-discovery ramblings such as mine, prepare to be entertained. Or at the very least, mildly amused . Even if you hate it and are so bored you're contemplating suicide just to get off my page, be nice and click a reaction button before you jump, and I'll see you on the other side. Thanks so much!
So recently I've discovered a few things about myself that I never really thought to look at.  It's crazy how all these things can happen right under your own nose and you never take the time to see them there.
I discovered, with mild chagrin, then when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm a total cluck cluck chicken.  I literally cringe into a corner and give myself panic attacks agonizing over the whole "Tell him/Don't tell him" debate.  I don't know why I'm such a noob, but I'd rather be a scaredy cat noob than a rejected one.  I've been here before: The 'undefined relationship'; I've felt these same feelings, and I allowed myself to be honest, and it bit me square in my big stupid heart.  It's a catch 22 unfortunately; I can continue to be this chicken, but carry on with this nagging, gnawing, word vomit creeping up my larynx every time we talk feeling in me to spill the beans already, or I can drop this bomb on him and risk major rejection and heartbreak, but finally be free of the burden.  Decisions, decisions.  I'm a hot tranny mess.
I also discovered that my tolerance for bullshit has dropped to new levels.  I wouldn't call myself a confrontational person, but if you do me bogus, I WILL call you on it, and don't give a shit who you are or what sort of relationship we have.  Not much gets past me these days-I'm like an angry bullshit goalie.  I'm proud of myself for this, but don't want to turn into that person who is constantly on the look out for someone to fuck me over.  I know people just like this, and always looking out of the corner of your eye is a miserable way to live.
Conversely, I don't want anyone to think that my non-confrontational demeanor equals complacency, and if you slip and make that mistake, then you'll be the one caught with your pants down.  Although I've been generally happy, my fuse has been shorter than normal lately, and I seem to morph into a rabid wolverine at the snap of a finger. I can't really pinpoint why, but I'm guessing that bullshit tolerance has alot to do with it.  Maybe I need a purging.  Or JEE-zus!  Somebody find me one of those Evangelical healers, on the double...

Comments

  1. Merry Ms. BerryOctober 11, 2011 at 9:04 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Merry Ms. BerryOctober 11, 2011 at 9:29 AM

    so why don't you call yourself out on your own bullshit, since you already know it's there

    ReplyDelete
  3. WomanOnFireOctober 11, 2011 at 11:56 AM

    What do you mean? I'm not really sure how to take that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Merry Ms. BerryOctober 11, 2011 at 12:24 PM

    well.....since you know that this "word vomit" & the emotional "cluck cluck"ness some of the BS that you put yourself through, why don't you change it by verbally checking yourself with the short BS goalie tendering? why aren't you calling yourself on your own BS?

    ReplyDelete
  5. WomanOnFireOctober 11, 2011 at 6:01 PM

    What, like just finally say it? Believe me, I'm toying with that idea myself,and now just more concerned with timing. I could give a shit if he doesn't return the sentiment, I just want to get mine off my chest, but for the reasons outlined above, I'm hesitant to do so.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Merry Ms. BerryOctober 12, 2011 at 7:51 AM

    Do it do it do it!!!!! You have nothing to lose & everything to gain. You deserve to be heard! What's the worst hat an happen....he freaks out? Then you leave with your self respect and knowing he was a pussy & not the man you thought he was. Come on now, be that badass bitch!

    This and more from your neghborhood friendly Merry Ms Berry

    ReplyDelete
  7. WomanOnFireOctober 12, 2011 at 8:28 AM

    You make a valid point lol... One badass bitch comin up.

    ReplyDelete

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