You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em...

Ladies and...well, ladies, I have tapped into my geyser of raw strength.  It's so funny when you stumble upon something you didn't even know it was there, but I found it, and have been exercising some demons the last few days.  Let's take it from the top, shall we?
  I spent some time with SP yesterday.  I haven't seen him since he accompanied me to the wedding last weekend, and we really  hadn't talked to much since then.  If you've read my recent posts, you know that my relationship with SP is very bipolar.  I don't feel a lot of stability with him, and doubts frequently creep in through the many cracks in our quasi-relationship.  Yesterday I was feeling strong, so I confronted him, opening up my chest and dropping my heart on the table, and was fully prepared to snatch it back and leave if he didn't give me the answer I was looking for.  I asked him point blank: did he see a future with us or am I wasting my time?  I admit, I almost laughed at the stunned expression that was frozen on his face for half a second (guess he didn't see that coming), but I really wanted an answer, and nothing about MY expression was amused.  I asked again, "Am I wasting my time?" He half smiled at me, kissed my forehead, and just said no. I let him hold me for a minute, but there was more. I looked him square in the face and asked if he was afraid... and he couldn't look me in the eye, and promptly clammed up.  I kissed his cheek, grabbed my keys, and left, telling him that when he was ready to open up to me and give me some real answers, he knew where to find me.  I have yet to hear from him, and I'm not sweating things if I don't.
  Yesterday was also a day of cleansing.  You may remember my post a few weeks ago, talking about family and how I was jilted by mine after the death of my grandparents.
Despite being completely pissed on and ostracized by these people the last few years, I've remained pretty silent, never actually saying what I felt.  I was good with just writing them off and never speaking to them again. Yesterday, however, was a game changer.  To make a long story short, for the second time in a month, my mother made the trip East to see the "family", the first trip being my 'grandmother's' funeral.  This trip was all business, her sole reason being to pick up some of my grandfather's belongings, things that, as his only biological child, you would think she would be entitled to.  She came home with 2 Rubbermaid containers; I was excited when I saw her unloading them, and was hoping to find something of his that held sentimental value to me.  It was never about just "stuff"; my grandpa and I had a special relationship, and so many of my great childhood memories involve him.  There were certain items of his that were special to me that I wanted for myself to remember him by. This idea, I thought, was extremely reasonable.  I don't want everything, just a little piece, and I'm cool with sharing with the rest of the family as well, all peace and harmony like.
With that in mind, imagine my shock/anger/disappointment/hurt/all encompassing fucked upness when I saw that the containers contained nothing but leftover junk and garbage.  Nothing special, nothing I'd ever even seen before, just crap. The only things I salvaged were a swiss army knife and my grandfather's retirement plaque.  The only pieces of my flesh and blood grandfather that these backstabbing, sticky-fingered assholes left me with were two meaningless items, while they made off with the rest. 
Well I sure the fuck wasn't gonna take that lying down.  You spit on me and my family, and I'm gonna go rabid on you. I emailed the entire family: cousins, husbands, "aunts", and gave them an old fashioned tongue lashing that was so vicious it had my oldest aunt yelling for a lawyer.  (If you know me at all,you know what I said to that)  All the hurt and rage I had from these people came bursting out of me like a Supernova, and I put each and every one of them in their places and called them every dirty name in every different language I knew, and did it until the hurt was erased and I was laughing about it.  It was a spiritual experience, really.
I needed to get that out of my system and I did.  I'm still pissed-there are no words for how much-but I'm letting it go because there isn't shit I can do about it. I'll take comfort in the fact that I share no DNA with these people and I don't have to claim them. Fuckers.
  
I used my last rush of strength this afternoon and did something that was a long time coming.
I said goodbye to The Ex. Permanently.
With the birth of his kid looming on the horizon, my struggle to keep my hurt and anger in check was rearing its ugly head.  I knew I would have to walk away eventually, because there was no way I could see him with that baby without losing it completely.  As over him as I am, that's just not something that I can deal with. It stings me now just as much as it did when he first told me.  I tried tho, telling myself to hold on and squeeze out all I can, but it was just becoming harder the closer her due date gets. I've been fighting with myself over when I should finally walk away, and last night, that fight was solved for me.  Thanks again to Facebook, I found out that he's continued to maintain a friendship with the same girl who was the last nail in our relationship coffin.  The struggle was over right then and there.  I want to make clear that I wasn't angry, just resolved, and this wasn't an impulsive decision like so many times in the past.
I went there this afternoon, explained my decision to him, hugged him goodbye, wished him well, and walked away, for the last time.  It was hard, but I feel good about it because I know it had to be done.
  Now I'm sort of drained- too much fell in my lap in a short time, and Im still processing it all.  I feel good tho, because I know that everything that hit me were things that needed addressing once and for all.  I'm ready for a new chapter, and pretty confident that I can handle whatever is thrown at me.
Unless it's a knife or something-that would suck.





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