Bundle Of Joy?

  Yesterday, through the wonders of social media, I stumbled upon the "wonderful news" I have been dreading for the past 9 months.  I was left with a sick feeling in my gut and a sort of weird numbness for the rest of the day, not really sure what my reaction to the news was.  I went on autopilot, and I think I even mumbled out a half-hearted congratulatory email to the new dad.  My brain was in a complete fog.
Now that the news has really sunk in, the fog is gone and I have that caved in, kicked in the chest feeling that is far too familiar for my liking.  Logically speaking, yes, I knew this was an impending doom and have had nearly a year to get used to the idea, but it was never "real"...now it is.  There is no avoiding it now, or pretending it's not happening, and that in itself is gut wrenching.  I have to force myself to not think about it, not wonder about his reaction upon seeing his little boy for the first time and then naturally comparing it to the 'what could have beens' with us.  That feeling then naturally segues into fierce anger over the fact that he took that opportunity from me, from us, and I hate him again for that and the resentment bubbles up like lava for him and for her.
This town that I live in, that we live in, once so comfortable to me, now feels claustrophobic and makes me anxious to get out as fast as I can to avoid any uncomfortable or disastrous run ins with the new family.  I don't even like driving over the river towards his side of town for fear that I may see him (or them), even tho some sick part of me wants to, like when you have a bruise and it hurts but you still can't resist pressing on it, just once, to see how bad it hurts when you do.  
  I've said it a hundred times, and I'll say it again:  what didn't happen with us is sort of a weird blessing in disguise, even tho it hurts like a fucker every single day with every breath I take.  This I know, and saying it is getting old.  Yes, I'm better off, yes, I know none of this should hurt me because I've moved on and am a bajillion times better now than I was then -blah, blah, fucking blah-.  My head knows all the right things, but my shredded heart is still a betraying fucking asshole sometimes, and evidently it's beyond all reason and logic.
Do I mourn my relationship?  Maybe not so much; I mourn what he took from me--time, sanity, life, heaps of love, opportunities. He took from me, selfishly, everyday for almost 6 years. Those are things I will never have back, but yet he was able to turn everything I gave him into someone else's opportunity, and that makes me mad as hell. It makes me especially angry that she hasn't put in even a fraction of the time or effort that I had, but was able to reap all the benefits that I was building up for myself.  It's like working in a company forever, building and building up that vacation time, then getting fired and the next guy that comes swoops up your trip to Aruba.  Maybe I sound like a petulant child, but I can't help how much it angers me.
  My head has been in a constant state of flux for the last 24 hours.  I've lost count of how many times I've had to swallow the lump in my throat or will the tears to stop banging on the insides of my eyelids, and don't even get me started on baby commercials...just before I sat down to write this, one dared to show up on my flatscreen, and it had me scrambling for my remote and a Kleenex simultaneously.  Insanity, I know.  
I am...I dunno...kind of fragile and frazzled by this.  The big announcement turned me inside out and backwards, and I'm having a bit of trouble righting myself.  I don't expect anyone to really "get" me when it comes to this, or even have empathy for me, as I'm sure I sound like just some crazy ex-girlfriend who can't let go.  I'm not gonna try to justify that or why I feel like this, I just know I do and I wish I didn't.  Right now I would love nothing more than the ability to wish them well, and really mean it.  I wish I was strong enough to run into them in town a coo over their baby, The Ex and I sharing a quick, fond smile, with no urges to tear her hair from the roots and toss her over the bridge.  I just want to feel OK, and not so fucking sad about this anymore.

On second thought, what if I'm on to something?  Maybe I could just get one handful of her hair and give her a quick nudge down the river bank?  No?? You sure? Ah, just an errant thought.  Can't blame a girl for trying. ;)

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