Dear Ex: An Open Letter

  Your call today came as a great surprise to me, being that we haven’t spoken in more than three months.  I would be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking of you lately; You cross my mind in passing quite often, and I’ve wondered how life has been treating you and how you’ve been adjusting to all the changes.  It was nice to hear that not much has changed for you. Yes, I said "nice".  It means I am not missing much afterall.  I don't wallow in your misery, but as far as the “healing process” goes, nothing helps more than knowing your ex is still scraping the bottom, just as you were when we broke up.  I have come far, and you…haven’t.  Please, don’t think me bitter, because I’m not.  The good person in me truly wants better for you, to know that you’ve turned your life around and become an upstanding citizen.  The scorned woman you left behind, however, is dancing in her panties knowing that you haven’t changed shit since we split, and that the dumb girl you’re ‘sooo in love’ with now is the one that is stuck dealing with your sorry ass.  Pardon me while I turn my head and giggle at your expense.  It’s nothing personal, really.  Okay, it is.  While I’m on the subject of said ‘dumb girl’, I can’t tell you how overjoyed I was to hear that not only are you planning to marry, but that now you want a whole tribe of half breed children that you can ignore while you drink yourself into oblivion.  Ok, maybe ‘overjoyed’ is the wrong word- how is ‘eye-gouging mad’? Does that work?  Because it smells pretty good to me.  It was bad enough that you knocked her up and were glad about it, after you so callously made me erase ours, leaving behind ghosts that I can never escape from. Now you want to make her your “wifey” after being together less than a year, when I bled and sweat for the very same thing for just shy of SIX TIMES that amount.  Pardon me if I don’t buy you a fucking toaster.  Don’t get me wrong, I get why you are so stoked to run to the altar with her-I’m sure her naivety is just adorable to you, and the fact that she smiles while you’re slobbering all over her couch after six drinks too many tickles you fucking pink.  She presents no challenge to you whatsoever, and you can mold her into whatever sort of idiot you want.  Congratulations, your fiancée is a moron; you finally got what you wanted all along.  But! Ha ha fucking ha! I had to laugh when you told me that “in a guilty pleasure-sort of way” you “miss our fights”.  Really??  I don’t wanna get all ‘smart chick’ on you because I know how much you hate feeling stupid, but allow me to drop a little science on you, sweetpea: You miss it because I CHALLENGED you.  Deep down inside that alcohol-ridden body of yours, you liked that I had balls, and that I could love you and stand up for myself all at once.  I excited you, and probably still do, which is why you still dream about me.  Alas, you will get bored, and I will be busy.  Lucky for you, you still have your art to keep you company, and that will always be there to fill up your days while you continue to sponge off the government and not look for work.  It takes a slick man to get unemployment benefits for more than three years…Vulture Girlfriend has found herself quite a catch.
There is no description for the magnitude of anger I have for you and for what you’ve taken from me.  You have literally taken life away from me, stole six years from me that could have been spent on someone worthy, and caused me more pain than I can ever begin to describe.  You allowed me to sustain you, be your seat filler, and your caretaker with no intentions of ever returning any of it, only to take what you got from me and give it to someone else.  It is betrayal at it’s lowest, and to spit in your face right now would give me immense pleasure.  You’re a parasite, a maggot.  When I think about all of this logically and push aside the anger, I feel only relief.  No longer am I at the bottom with you, begging for something you never intended to give me.  You gave me something better without even trying to do so, and now I can look in the mirror every day and see someone I respect, and no matter how much bullshit bravado you try to spit my way, you will never be able to say the same.
I wish you the very best of luck in your new life.  You'll need it.