...And Then THIS Happened...

I've been trying hard not to rock the boat lately.  There have been some crazy changes, and the sun has started to peek out from that cloud that always seems to follow me.  You know me tho, and you know my fear of losing that little glimmer, so I've been trying to play it safe, not take unnecessary risks, and just trying to coast on this for as long as I can.
  Remember Flaco?  I've always kept him somewhat at arms length.  I wanted it that way.  I didn't want to take the risk of getting attached, because I never believed that things with him would ever blossom. I kept it simple..We'd spend time together, it would be lovely, then we would go our own way in the morning and cool off for a while.  That's how it was, I didn't question it, I didn't wish for more.
I've widened the space between us even more lately.  As much as I would want to see him, I made up excuses, i.e., telling him I was busy or too tired when he asked to come by. I didn't want a casual relationship anymore- I wanted something bigger, more solid, and I knew I couldn't get that from him.  So I started putting myself out there, meeting new guys with the same relationship aspirations, and going on dates. I went on 3 in one week alone. (Yes, I AM a pimp, thankyouverymuch) The guys were nice, and I always had a nice time, but I didn't find myself excited about any of them. Instead, I found myself actually missing Flaco, moreso after each different guy.  I never missed him, not like that. It was so foreign, and fucking bothered the hell out of me. I decided had to see him.  Like ASAP. Then I found out he was working out of town for the week, and I wanted to cry lol...
I called him this past Saturday night to ask him out, telling him I owed him a birthday drink.  I was a sad panda when he told me he already had plans with the guys, but I told him to have fun, and we'd catch up another time.
An hour later, he called me back.  He cancelled his plans. To be with ME
CUE THE EAR SPLITTING GRIN!!
An hour after that, he was at my door, with his beautiful face and crinkly smile, looking and smelling all yummy-tastic and was a sight for my sore eyes. I was officially a goner. I was so happy I thought my face would shatter into tiny little glitter pieces.  It had been more than two months since I last saw him, and it didn't make sense to me at that moment why the hell I waited so long. 
  We went out, just us, to a cozy little watering hole in my neighborhood, and proceeded to have a blast.  I felt like we were the only two people in the place. (and when we closed down the bar, we pretty much were lol) I saw this whole, wide open side of him that I had never seen before, and I laughed harder and more often that night than I have in...wow...too long.  I was totally blissed out, and I'm pretty sure I was shooting rainbows out of my eyeballs because that's pretty much the only place his eyes were all night.  Well, that, and on my butt, but to be fair, it did look pretty fantastic in my black skinny trousers. 
  I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  A truck made of butterflies and cotton candy and hearts all that other cliched crap that girls think of when they have a crush.  Do I love him?  Meh. I don't even want to go there, not yet.  It's safe to say that I've definitely crossed a line, and that's ok.  I don't want to go serious on him until I have no doubts that it will be reciprocated.  Big Poppa, the BFF, advises me against any of this, telling me I should just keep it casual, but I should also mention that Poppa and Flaco aren't exactly friendly, and as well as he knows Flaco in other ways, maybe he doesn't know him in this one.  I'm trying to keep everything in mind, and I realize that Poppa only has my best interest at heart, but that he has an already tainted opinion of him.  It's so confusing.
  I know that I should continue to keep my options open, and I'm trying, but the desire isn't fully there.  I'm finding something wrong with all the guys I meet, and I get...shit, I get bored. There's no stimulation, and I'm ready to leave after like 5 minutes.  I think I only go just to give the sitation a chance, hoping I catch some kind of spark.  So far, not even a flicker.  I'll keep on keepin' on tho, until my heart slaps me in the face and tells me to stop, or until he gives me a reason to.

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