Ring-a-ding Kid

I am in trouble. Massive, face down in a puddle, probably never the same again trouble.
Early 2006 just caught me unawares and slapped me in the face so hard I am flipped completely inside out with no idea how to right myself again. This, of course, means a boy is involved.

This isn't just any boy- this is a bona-fide Man.  The capital M was done on purpose, because that's what he deserves.  This is the man that, on our first date on that fateful day in 2006, held me so tightly and so close while he danced (danced!) with me that we nearly became one person.  This is the man who was first to brush my hair from my face, look directly into my eyes, and tell me I was beautiful. This was the man that made me feel everything a girl is supposed to feel for a boy and then some. 

This is also the man, much to my own detriment, that I dropped like a hot potato when The Rams literally fell into my life.  The rest, as they say, is history. 

Eight years and alot of bad decisions later, here he is again, and I am not prepared for the dump truck full of feels he has put on me already.  
I tried to play the cool girl when we first started talking, but falling back into those old feelings while doing so was just so easy, that I didn't realize it was happening before it already did.  He didn't make it easy on me either- sweetness rolled off of his tongue like honey..I didn't stand a chance.
Last night, there he was, in front of me again after almost a decade.  The smile almost broke my face into shards of glitter.  I was 13 and with the cute boy from school again, crushing so hard, filled with hope, praying to every deity that he liked me too..and he does.  Then he kissed me, in a crowded pub, and the whole world fell away, and it was only him and me.
Now he's occupying every empty thought bubble in my brain at all hours of the day and night, and I literally craaaave him.  I wish I could say that it's just my lust crazed hormones, but in reality, it's just him.  I want to run my fingers through his short chin scruff again because I like the little tickle it gives me and how he stares at me with an indulgent little half smile while I do it.  I love feeling him kiss my forehead, nose, chin, then my lips, like he doesn't want to leave any of me out. I want to laugh while he takes strands of my hair and pretends that I have a crazy mustache.  Mostly I just want to be around him, soaking him up, because I feel like I can't get enough of that.  I haven't felt like I couldn't get enough of someone since...well, it's been a long time.

This man...He makes me feel things nobody has.  All the things I don't like about myself, he loves.  He sees beauty in places and things that others have overlooked or pretended didn't exist, and would make me self conscious around anyone else.  I don't have to pretend or cover up or turn the lights off.
He texts me in the middle of the day, with no preamble, just to tell me I'm pretty. Who is this person??
I am...defenseless. In a short period of time, he's managed to kick down every wall I've built up, and left me completely wide open.  I'm vulnerable and I almost like it.  I'm letting myself fall with no safety net this time, I'm going to fall hard, and if he doesn't catch me, I doubt I'll be able to come back from that, and it scares me to death. Is it possible to be deliriously in 'like' and scared to death at the same time? 
I'm an idiot disguised as a puddle of goo, and I'm not entirely present.  No idea when sanity will return, so leave a message at the beep. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

En Recuerdo

Thug Lyfe

A Queen, a Knight & a Joker Walk Into a Bar...