Family Portrait

How, exactly, can I put these feels in terms an outsider can understand?

Ok, picture this...

There is a huge, sparkly, magical door. You've been standing outside of this door your entire life, knocking, wishing & hoping for it to open, so you can finally be a part of what's on the other side, because it's gotta be pretty amazing.  A few times, someone has deigned to poke an eye through the peep hole, maybe even crack the door an inch. But never, under any circumstances, have you ever been let inside, and after a lifetime of knocking, you still don't know why, but still sit against that door hoping for it to open.

I have no relations with my extended family on either side of my lineage.  Some of that is by choice; I blogged about my mother's side of the family a couple hundred posts ago, have yet to have anything to do with those shit eating cunt bags, and thank every higher power in any religion that I share no actual DNA with them.  

On the flipside of the coin is my father's family.

I have an aunt and an uncle, their respective spouses, and a horde of cousins on my dad's side. They choose to have no relations with my father, and by extension, me.

It wasn't always like this.  When I was little, there was always a Christmas or a birthday at Auntie San's, especially if my Nonna was in town. I loved being with them, hanging out with my cousins who are all older than me, having my cheeks pinched by the old folks, getting to feed my Italian roots- It was every Sunday Dinner scene in a mafia movie come to life.

And then it just...stopped.

I've had limited contact with all of them over the years, but I don't remember ever doing or saying anything to warrant the freeze out I've gotten.  I saw most of them recently, just before my Nonna passed. I literally spent every last penny I had to jump on the first flight to Arizona, in the back of my mind thinking that would count for something, maybe redeem whatever I did wrong.  I got a warmer welcome than I expected, and thought it was finally a turning point- death tends to bring people together, right?

Wrong.

I didn't hear a word from any of them after I left until she passed.  I got a text message from my Uncle N informing me. A fucking text message to tell me my grandmother was dead. Then, back to the void. I was back on the outside of the door once again.

The branch that broke the dam happened today.  

I'm "friends" on Facebook with my Uncle N (my father's brother), and my two male cousins.  I stumbled upon pictures from a 50th wedding anniversary party thrown for Uncle N and his wife. Of course, the whole family was there, including relatives from Italy, everyone was well dressed and beautiful and having an awesome time celebrating such an amazing milestone.  When I spotted the picture of all the cousins, smiling and happy and aged, I couldn't hold it in anymore.  I know that crying over something you never really had in the first place is stupid and pointless, but I couldn't help but wonder why the fuck I was not in that picture with all of those people who look just like me and share my fucking DNA.
I can't help wonder why I don't belong, even though I have all the right parts to fit and complete the puzzle. I can't help but wonder why the hell I try so hard and receive nothing.